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Its been one month, one week, 2 days, 5 hours, 41 minutes, since my brother Conlin's 6th birthday, and other things. These other things are feeling more and more real as much as I try to avoid it. I avoided it when I first found out; getting picked up after work, first words I heard were 'I'm sorry' and words that should've shattered my heart, didn't. Didn't, because I refused to believe it, refused to believe that everything, wasn't going to be the same. I didn't shed a tear. Upon reaching the hospital, my heart raced, and I wanted to escape, and not have to face reality. Walking down the empty halls, reaching the hospital room, all the tears I've been trying to fight, I couldn't fight anymore, and the tears drowned me.

I'm sick of hearing 'he's happy now, he's not suffering anymore', but why couldn't he be happy here? Why couldn't he be immune to the pain here? Why couldn't his body be just a little bit stronger to take the treatment again, rather than just be put on painkillers? Why did it have to be such a stupid waiting game? I have a neverending list of questions that I ponder upon each day, but never will I understand. But I guess I'm just being selfish, and I'm sorry.

Nothing's the same. I hate being at home alone, when I know you should be here; it just feels cold and empty, and as much as mom tells me that I shouldn't be sad anymore, I know she's telling herself that more than anything. I hate coming home, not seeing you on the couch watching tv, or sitting at the kitchen table drinking tea as you read newspapers. Now I come home, and all I see is a picture of you on the wall.

I thought everything was going to be alright, that you were going to be okay and recover. I simply blinded myself from what could happen, and what could've happened, did. I'm sorry I didn't speak to you at the hospital when you were still with us, I'm sorry I didn't apologize to you about the little things, I just didn't want to believe it was true. I'm sorry I didn't attend your funeral, goodbyes just kept getting harder and harder, and facing people's sympathy's made it more real, and I didn't want to cry anymore.

I wish you were still here. Here to fix things when they're broken, to make lemonade, take me out to lunch, and countless things that just won't happen, or be the same anymore. No amount of words can describe the agony. There's times where I think I'm okay, and go days, maybe weeks without crying, then out of nowhere, it gets to me.

I miss you dad.. and cancer? please, go die.

its cold :(

when was the last time i blogged? it seems as if all my posts should begin with that question, because really, my blogspot should be gathering dust.
i'm sitting in the kitchen at the moment, and my brother is playing with his ds beside me (where was my ds when i asked for it 6 years ago ?!) but its all goooood because i got a laptop to replace my antique of a computer.
anywhos, its been a few months, blogspot! and let me just say.. a lot has changed. i'll go further into this later on.. but i'm trying to keep this post on one track. at the moment, i'm sick, and i have an eye infection , f my life. work later on..4-10, and really, that's all i've been doing, because i have no friends (Y) lol and right noooow its freaking cold at home because there's no freaking heater !! :@ and im just always cold :( maybe thats why im sick. lulz my brother just came 5th in mariokart because he slipped on a banana peel.
im going to go eat my bowl of cereal now, gbaaai :)