not written by me.

To all the girls that know what pain feels like.
Here’s to all those girls who used to be his number one.
The ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed. The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened. Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going. The ones who listened to him say, I only want to be your friend, one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you. We deserve something, and this is our tribute. Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for a while. We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming. This is for us. Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days. Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again. We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us. We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn’t treat us the way we should be treated. Here’s for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn’t see us today. The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else. We just couldn’t believe that he could do this to us again. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder "what if". Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again. This is for the ones who couldn’t bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an "I told you so." The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, their beds, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us. We just wanted the one that we loved like that. Here’s for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here’s for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment. Here’s for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better. This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it’s better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt. Remember the times you cried, and how long it
took you to even be able to look at another guy like that.





When "your song" comes on the radio, turn the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don’t answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was. Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn’t him, and realized that once again, he hadn’t called when he said he was going to.

One day, you’ll find a guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make you cry. You may think that you’ll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will. It’s gonna hurt like crap, and it’s going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

This is for those girls, who fell back in love with their ex, only to
get hurt all over again. 

You're a stranger.

You've become a distasteful person, and I never thought it'd come to this extent. I miss, not you, but who you used to be, and I'm sure many would say the same. I hate how you think you're better now, you think you rank above us all, but really, to me, you're dirt now. I miss having you be there for me, you actually caring. Now all I get from you is one-word answers, and awkward situations. You simply, disgust me. I don't understand how you can just 'of course, forget someone', and become such a shady person. You know you've become this arrogant person, and you actually LIKE it. Who's attention are you trying to get, really? You're new group of friends? Did you forget that past friendships actually meant something? How can you just forget someone in a 'heat of a moment'? I miss our endless conversations, and the ambience and comfort of our friendship. All I can really say to you now is to take your "image", and shove it up your ass, and take your head out while you're at it. I don't even know you anymore, and I'm done trying.

sunday night

Long time no blog.. and that is the pattern it always seems so follow. I really should be studying for my 5 tests this week, but instead I am blogging, because Adrian Ho said so.
Speaking of school..its just same old shit, different day. My courses got completley changed around the 2nd week of school resulting in me falling behind in a few courses, but its all good now I hope, and my many tests this week will show me. My Day1s are pretty easy, Psychology, Catering, Biology, Criminology, pretty slack! Its Day2s I dread; English(which really isn't that bad, except the fact we have a fattie list of short story terms to memorize), Math Honours(might I add, was pretty stupid of me considering the fact its the same horrible teacher as last year), Dance(its such a hassle..), then Socials with the Ratz, enough said there.
Besides school, my lack of employment is really starting to take a toll on me. BTW, my savings account is called 'SAVINGS' for a reason ! I'm vowing to not shop until I get a job. I was supposed to go job hunting last week, but I got hit my Swine '09.

Kidding..but I did catch the cold that was going around, and felt like shit and permanently glued myself to my bed for a few days.

You know what's really ironic? The fact that I've been consuming alcohal now that's school started than summer..Well not exactly, but the ratio of the amount of days sober to days intoxicated have surely changed. And that's not to say I'm an alchy now, I'm not! But just sayyyin'! This weekend, well Saturday night, was pretty fun <3 It was good seeing familiar faces that have been distant for the past month or so, and now thinking back, and looking at pictures, it still makes me laugh! Last weekend on the other hand, completley different story; started out well, reached its peak Saturday afternoon, fell on my ass ice skating(and my tailbone STILL hurts!) and other dramatic events, the next day I got sick, yuuup..

I'm bored now. My dad's currently making me read 'The Secret'. I forget who the author is, but I'm pretty sure its one of Oprah's books to read. Perhaps I'll squeeze in some time to read it between school, and job hunting, if I ever get my lazy ass up :(

i was a fool twice .

as school is about to begin, i must say; summer 09, i'm not going to miss you one bit. perhaps the late nights, and sleeping in, but above all, i look back, and there's not much i'd like to live over. forgive me for sounding like such a downer, but summer has came and gone, and has left no mark, no such thing to reminisce on.
or maybe im just sad right now, with this gloomy weather, lack of going out now because all i do is work 8 1/2 hours a day, and other such reasons that keep me up til the sunrises thinking, and the occasional water works.
so now that summer is ending, so does my job. FML, i dont even know where to apply and my parents have no part in my finance.
now i need to clean my room, and do some laundry without rattling the whole house.

my paper heart will bleed

i think i've realized i'm not needing to hold my breath anymore.
i don't feel like elaborating, and that's all i have to say.

where do i go from here?

i havent blogged in a while, mostly because i have nothing to say. or i do, but they're just incomplete thoughts that i forget to write down or think through. right now, i'm at work at playland, and i'm BORED. its shitting rain, yet the park still remains open because the beat has a 2 for 1 tuesday special after 3pm, yet there's still only about less than 30 people in the park. whatever thouogh, i'm getting paid to sit around on the computer (Y).


so how has summer been so far? i really wish i kept bringing around my camera with me so i could capture it then share it to the world of facebook, but i didn't and now the memories are just in my mind. for instance; burnaby mountain. we discovered a breath-taking view of the lower mainland up there, and neither of our camera phones were able to capture that, and dora's camera had died too. so, i guess you'd just have to go see it for yourself :) but i doubt it, because that place is probably only accessible by car (thanks ian), and if you bussed, you'd have to do a hell of a lot of walking. prior to that night at burnaby mountain, i also kicked joe and dora's asses at minigolf. woooot

i also have 2 other favourite places right now; alta vista park & the middle of the basketball court beside mcpherson pool. alta vista park, for all those random times; playing cards, hes just not that into you, almond m&m's, potatoe wedges with chilli & cheese, joe's next girlfriend, swings, and the 4-way see-saw, all taking place there. i remember the basketball court from last year, laying there when me and kathleen snuck out and just watched the stars.. and other people and events that day that i will not go further detail into. and last night, i sat there with melissa, and we just had a lot to talk about, in good ways of course.

but anywhos, joe, im going to miss you for the 3 weeks you'll be gone. take care!

it's taking everything in me just to forget your sweater so far

i think im sunburnt. like seriously. i never thought this day would come. IT HURTS TO ITCH MY BACK ! i'd take a picture of it if it were physically possible to take a picture of my back. today, 9-5, i was outside, in the pool, (except between 1-3), in a one piece bathing suit (sexy tanlines), taking my assistant water safety instructor course so i can be a lifeguard. $1000 spent on childhood swimming lessons NOT gone to waste. im SO looking forward to $18/hour, but thats probably not until next year. right now, i just have to worry about my soon-to-be peeling skin. oh shoot, im swimming again tomorrow. (N) oh well, last day, for now. and i can finally sleep in, besides days i have work.

All I really want in life right now:

-a yellow chevy camaro that transforms <3

-able to pogostick 50+ times

-when i die, my name on a park bench, picnic table, or water fountain(sorry joe, stole your idea)

-the ability to skateboard

-SOME POLAROID 600 FILM WOULD BE AWESOME !

-a green laptop. (okay seriously, they have turd-coloured ones but not GREEN nowadays WTF)

-to finish my lifeguarding courses asap :(

if summer's anything like the past few days or so, i think i'll be satisfied. lets not jinx it now..

NOW, would someone PLEASE use their visa/mastercard to order me some polaroid 600 film online, i'll love them for 34872983 years ! v.v. boutique $3 (Y) actually, it might not even work, but i need the film to know fsure. oh well, makes a great decoration though.

he shot me, he shot me, bang bang, straight to the heart

That would be our 'friends forever' postcard, from our wilderness adventure at stanley park. Our very first wildnerness adventure, complete with firetrucks, slides, and mcd's. An amazing, sober, kick-off to the summer.

Can you believe it? Its been exactly one year, today (Krizia's birthday), that the trend of drinking at Carleton began? Its amazing how things have changed; from chilling in a big group of the unemployed at Metro, English Bay, and Carleton,(the only 3 places we were familiar with) to jobs, anti-socialness, colder weather, and of course, the only thing constant, change.
Recently, I got told I've been anti-social for the past couple of months. Well, now that I think about it, I have been alone a lot.. I no longer feel the need to go out everyday or what not. Before there was school, work, and 30 other things to keep me busy, and now, well I don't even know how this summer is going to be like. Things are definitely going to be way different, especially with Joe going away, and Ian with a job and not seeing him everyday. I'm settings no hopes for the summer so I won't be let down.
Looking back on my grade 10 school year, it went by pretty fast, but for the wrong reasons. The beginning of the year, everything was fine, come the new year, well, things weren't so fine. I guess the year went by fast only because you're always just waiting for the next day to see how things will be different, or better, and eventually you realize things are still bad. Overall, towards the end of the year, I'm glad things were mended between the ones that mattered.

I really wanna go rollerblading, but no one has rollerblades :(
well.. time to continue with me summer reading:
the boy in the striped pajamas.

"i've never used a leaf before.."

So, I've finally decided to make one of these.. Wow. Another thing to distract me, or occupy me. This can be a good or bad thing, we'll see. Its only 1212am, and I'm already tired as I've been waking up at 7am for the past couple of weeks due to exams, work, and the course I'm taking to learn how to teach swimming lessons ! Just wonderful. So this entry I guess you could say is just a random word-vomit. Anyways, I'm off to discover more of this and how to operate it


edit: this is soo confusing!